Saying yes to everything

and the subtle serotonin boost

Before 2024 was even over, I had decided that 2025 would be the year that I said “yes” more often, but I had to set some ground rules.

First and foremost, I had to be asked. Unlike in the past (like, my entire life), I was not going to step up and offer someone help they didn’t request. I love being helpful to my friends, my family, my author friends, and emerging writers. Offering myself up like a sacrificial lamb desperate to be chosen is not healthy for me - and we all know how it ends for the lamb.

Time after time, I would give more than what was asked of me. I spent my time and resources trying to help someone else. More than half the time, my generosity was not reciprocated, I would get angry, and another relationship would sour. It took me years to recognize that all this was happening because of the choices I made. I did this to myself. I set myself for disappointment. Any psychologist would call this for what it is: people pleasing.

It’s how I grew up. I was always trying to please Mom. Making her happy and playing by her rules was how I earned her love. My actions during my entire childhood and well into adulthood were measured on the Mom-happiness scale. When I severed my relationship with her in my 40s, that’s when my healing started.

Just barely, though. It took years for me to shake the shroud of approval off my shoulders. A reiki practitioner once told me my feet were weighed down in cement and, as crazy as this sounds, I knew the source was the heavy hand of my mother. The mother-daughter wound goes deep and takes forever to heal.

But enough gloom and doom. What I really want to say is that for the first time, I am freely saying yes without the burden of my own expectations. I’ve said yes to teaching workshops, yes to book clubs, yes to being a part of a panel with fellow writers, yes to new collaorations. My calendar is filling with meaningful things.

An unexpected side effect of waiting to say yes until I’m asked, is that I am finally taking care of myself, mentally and physically. Instead of sitting in pain, I sought help. I got second and third opinions when my instincts were screaming that something wasn’t right. I’ve boldly emailed authors I adore and asked to have coffee or lunch, for no other reason than I thing they are spectacular people with whom I enjoy talking. I’ve booked signings, signed consignment contracts, and opened up Katya Noskov’s Last Shot for audiobook auditions.

I am feeling a mental strength and confidence that eluded me forever (I know, those who know me will find this surprising). Saying “yes” is enabling me to let go of some resentments that trail behind me like tendrils. This subtle lift in serotonin (without chocolate) is exactly what my well-being needs.

I ask you, what have you said “yes” to that made you feel ready to conquer the world?

XO Dana

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What I’m reading

Since I’m deep in writing a new Young Adult novel, I’m adding more YA to my reading list. I’ve started reading Twisted by Laurie Halse Anderson. I stumbled upon this book in my search for a male protagonist with a very clear voice, and this fits the bill. This senior in high school is almost singularly focused on the girl and he spends a lot of time lusting after her. It’s uncomfortable how often he talks about his pants getting tighter and watching porn. Reading this book has shown me that I won’t be writing this kind of teen. Of course my main character wants to win over the heart of the person of his dreams, but it’s not his singular focus. He’s got other, bigger problems to deal with. Twisted might not be my cup of tea, but it’s helping me get inside a 17-year-old boy’s head.