Letting it Go

or, why I hang on too long

I struggle with letting go of the things that no longer serve me. This applies to a lipstick, or a mostly empty bottle of ketchup, or a friend I’ve had for a long time.

With the lipstick, I’ll try it under a different light. I’ll layer it with other colours. Even when I know it’s 100% wrong for me and it brings out the red splotches in my skin, I’ll still hang on to it. I can’t throw it away. One of my sons calls this the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve spent the money, so you have to use it.

Is it orange? Is it pink? Either way, I hate it. Never buy lipstick based on a virtual try-on.

With the ketchup, I’ll prop the bottle on its lid. I’ll build a supporting scaffold of bowls and towels. Even when there is not another drop to drip, I’ll leave it upended inside a bowl to get what is literally a teaspoon of ketchup. I get angry when someone in my family opens a new bottle before the old one is bled dry.

With the friend, I’ll put up with a lot of shit. I’ll laugh off the first backhanded insult. I’ll ignore that they ignore me. I’ll let them bring me flowers when they do a shitty thing and then make the issue all about them (what is it with me and narcissists?). I’m forgiving because I’m a kind person and we all fuck up. My very wise husband reminds me to accept my friends and all their idiosyncrasies because they extend that same courtesy to me.

Except when the barbs are flying one way, repeatedly, for a decade, you have to acknowledge that you’ve just been hanging on to a shitty friend.

I let one go last week. I’m sad. I will feel the loss. I didn’t announce it, or break up in an email, or text “have a nice life”. I have quietly made the choice to no longer engage.

In case you are wondering what a garbage friend looks like, here is the short summary.

• Every major milestone in your life is picked apart for what’s wrong with it.

• They are more jealous than joyous.

• They take advantage of your kindness and get real snarky when you ask for reciprocation.

• They show little-to-no gratitude for your big gestures meant to appease them.

• You feel more hurt than happy.

• They become the last person on your call list because you know it will be a negative experience.

And so, for once, I found the courage to let go. I’m working out my pain in a very angry and gruesome short story.

The lipstick is in the trash too.

Have a spectacular week!

XO

Dana

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What I’m reading

I’m re-reading this one as research for a book I’m working on. It was weird seeing it as a trade paperback, since the one I had in 1982 was a mass market paperback. Take note of the banner on the right side of the cover. This edition came out in 2019. Next year, Flowers in the Attic will be 45 years old. Feel old now?