Feeling Guilty

How a book missed the mark

My next book launch is almost at capacity, so if you are in Calgary and want to help me celebrate Katya Noskov’s Last Shot, grab a free ticket on Eventbrite.

If you need enticement, there will be fancy chocolates.

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Last week, I joined some of my fellow writers for Author Talk, a monthly session where we meet at someone’s house and discuss a relevant topic. The first meeting in September was all about imposter syndrome and fear. This month, we discussed “What’s holding you back?”

We talked about setting goals for our writing and I was cringing. I am TERRIBLE at setting goals. Even when I ran my own business, I lacked the ability to discern between wishful thinking and a goal. Deciding on a SMART goal (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-based) was not something I was good at.

In this session, I openly shared that I have trouble with goals. I feel so safe in this group. I know I won’t be judged and I always learn something from someone else. As my writer friends were sharing what they thought was holding them back, I was lost in my own thoughts of what is going on for me.

I have really been struggling to get the words down in my next book. I am distracted. I’m no longer getting up at 5am to hit the keyboard. I am scrolling socials. I’m checking Goodreads for reviews/ratings for Katya because the digital ARCs went out on September 20th and the people who got them said they could read a 300-page book in 4 hours or a day or a week.

I realized I have been consumed with Katya, and that I really want this book to fly. Will it be my breakout? I need this book to be my breakout.

That’s when the lightbulb went off in my head. What’s holding me back?

Guilt.

I feel guilty about the amount of money I spend on every book and Katya is the most expensive one so far. I feel guilty about not having a normal full-time job and that my income from legal video work fluctuates wildly. I feel guilty for chasing my dream while my husband puts in the hours at his job, carrying the weight of our expenses.

When I dug deeper, I realized that my guilt really peaked around the time a large return came through for Spent, my memoir about my time in retail. The return wiped out the meagre sales, putting that book firmly—and probably permanently—in the red. Unlike The Girl in the Gold Bikini and Murder on my Mind, Spent has been an abject failure. I tried to push aside the guilt and the heartbreak and soldier on, but I was crumbling and my desire to create was waning.

Ask any independent author and they’ll tell you how crushing it is when no one wants your book. I had so much fun writing it, telling the crazy stories from behind the scenes in retail. But I should have let it die in Google docs. Jeff warned me that the content was too niche, but I forged ahead anyways. I hit “publish” when I should have hit “archive”.

I’m hoping by putting that failure into words means I am ready to accept it. I sincerely hope that Spent will be my only flop. Acknowledging the guilt and shame should release it, right? Maybe on Tuesday (since tomorrow is Thanksgiving), I’ll wake with renewed vigor for the next novel.

I’m still obsessed with Katya, though. I know it’s a great story. I know the women in those pages are so relatable. My biggest dream for Katya is that there will be more books for me to write about her, Annalise, Millie, and Farzana. The fab four who I’d want as my own friends. I am putting this book into the world in 22 days, and you know how I’m feeling about that? Guilt-free.

Katya Noskov’s Last Shot releases on Nov 4, 2024.

xo Dana

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What I’m reading

Still absorbed with The Frozen River. I am taking my time with this novel and thoroughly enjoying the journey.

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One more thing. The aurora borealis put on a spectacular show last Thursday. We drove west out of the city and captured some beautiful photos, like this one. I’ll be framing this for sure.